I’ve been through all the therapy and all the things that are supposed to make this pain go away. It has helped, but I still feel half dead as a result of what has happened, and can’t help but have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Most of the sexual abuse that happened to me took place in church. My parents took me to church since I was born, and the abuse started in church when I was about 5 years old. There was a man there who started by touching me by “accident” on certain parts of my body, but as two years progressed, it escalated to him taking me in the men’s bathroom or an unused nursery where he would make me perform oral sex on him. He would squirt candy gel on his penis and tell me to lick it off. After awhile I began to know exactly what got him off and how I could control him by what I did with my lips and tounge when I had him in my mouth. I didn’t protest after awhile and ashamedly looked forward to when he would rub me between my legs until I had an orgasm. Being 5-8 years old, of course I didn’t know what an orgasm was. It made me feel both good and really really dirty and evil. After telling my mom numerous times, the abuse with him finally ended after an ugly confrontation with him in the church. It was never spoken of again. I thought I was dirty, guilty and a satanic little child that was doomed for hell.
In the spring, when I was 14, I was raped and sodimized outside the same church near the construction site for the new sanctuary. One of the youth leaders got me out of sight and snapped after I refused to kiss him or let him touch me. As I ran away, he grabbed me, and I remember distinctly the change in his face and eyes. He beat me until I was laying on the ground. He dragged me to my knees and ended up forcing his penis in my mouth. I struggled to breath and accidently bit him. He pulled out of my mouth hit me more and the next thing I knew I was face down on the ground and he was on top of me. He said that if I “bit like a dog, He would fuck me like a dog.” I fought, and swore and said “please no” several times, but it didn’t do much good. Since, I’ve been really pissed at myself for being so damn polite for saying “please” before “no.” He pulled my pants and panties down and I could feel him fumbling and hear him breathing hard. All at once he forced himself into me annally. I have never felt pain like that since. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t breathe. I remember tasting the blood and dirt in my mouth, and spitting it in front of me. I withstood his first thrust into me, but on the second, I passed out. When I awoke, I was on my back and he was between my legs. His penis was not inside of me, but I could feel his fingers between my legs. I reached down and grabbed his hands and he look startled and reached up and slammed my head on the ground a few times. I passed out again. I dont’ know what all he did to me while I was passed out. When I awoke, he dragged me on my knees by my hair to the church wall, which was limestone. Oddly enough, I remember seeing my blood all over it, I instinctively remember thinking how badly I wanted to wash my blood off the wall in that second. He somehow spread my legs apart and pushed me up on the wall. I was not coherent hardly at all by this time. I could feel him trying to push up inside of me again. He was tired, sweating and breathing hard and kept mumbling “You fucking bitch, your’re a terrible fuck.” His head was at my chest and I remember looking down on his black hair and the blood dripped from my mouth and nose into his hair, and I let my body go limp, looked away from what he was doing to me to the sky and gave up my soul.